<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>rise from the golden ashes by myrddinthewizard</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28544097">rise from the golden ashes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrddinthewizard/pseuds/myrddinthewizard'>myrddinthewizard</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>how to love a liar [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>BAMF Arthur, BAMF Merlin (Merlin), Confused Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Finally, M/M, Magic Revealed, basically just a bunch of stupid idiots, but it all crashes and burns, doing what they think is best, sad Arthur</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:13:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,789</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28544097</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrddinthewizard/pseuds/myrddinthewizard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur inhaled a breath and tore his gaze away, looking to Leon, whose eyes were filled with worry. Arthur heard himself reply but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what he said because everything was piling upon itself and all the betrayals and secrets and <em>lies</em>. But nothing, nothing could’ve prepared him for this. </p><p>
  <em>"In order to rise from its own ashes, the phoenix first must burn" - E. Butler </em>
</p><p>(aka the magic reveal)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), broken up but still in love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>how to love a liar [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058711</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>233</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. the rise</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC</p><p>(makes sense if you read the series in order)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>“It was me.” </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> “Don't be ridiculous, Merlin. This is stupid, why would you say that?”  </em>
  </p>
  <p>- Merlin and Arthur</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Arthur tossed the papers to the other side of the desk, sighing. His eyes burned and he ached to just forget it all and go to sleep. But he couldn’t. </p><p>
  <em> I pride myself as a fair and just king, but for the crime of sorcery, there is but one sentence I can pass. </em>
</p><p>Arthur sucked in a breath and rubbed his forehead. The amount of violence. The number of deaths. Just thinking about it made Arthur sick to the stomach. How many of those sorcerers were innocent? How many were killed to ease his own father’s guilt? Arthur clasped a hand over his mouth and tried to swallow down the bile rising in his throat.</p><p>A wave of sudden anger washed over him. How desperate must his father have been? To kill his own wife just to continue the Pendragon bloodline. Not because of his love for Ygraine. Not because he wished for a son. But because he wanted an heir. And nothing more. It was Uther’s fault. It was Arthur’s. After all, it was Arthur’s life who took Ygraine. A life for a life. A queen for an heir. A mother for a son.</p><p>It was impossible to undo. Undo over 20 years of violence and massacres and ruined lives. Impossible to just forget the injustice that his own father had caused thousands upon thousands of people. The injustice that Arthur himself had caused, blindly following his father’s views. </p><p>And as angry as Arthur was a Merlin for keeping this from him, it wasn’t entirely his fault that Arthur had never realized. He was old enough to make his own decisions yet he still foolishly believed his father's prejudices and was directly responsible for so many broken families and shattered lives. And it nearly made him throw up. It was even harder to digest since Merlin wasn’t here. Usually, Merlin would be there, trying to comfort him and tell him that it wasn’t his fault, and as wrong as he would be to say that, Arthur would be lying if that sort of comfort wasn’t welcome. </p><p>But everything seemed to be piling up and with Merlin gone and so many laws to change and repeal, Arthur was near breaking point. He reached over and snatched up the paper, crumbling into a ball to throw across the room. He knew that the law had to be repealed as soon as possible. But Arthur couldn’t find the right words and the right emotions to say it. This affected so many people and for Arthur to simply throw it away like a simple law change would be the worst injustice of all. Merlin was always better at writing speeches than Arthur.</p><p>Arthur groaned, thumping a fist into his forehead. His mind wandered to Merlin. Over the past few days, it seemed to always. Merlin had surprisingly listened to Arthur and steered clear of him. But Arthur knew he was still there. Lurking in the shadows and talking to the knights. Always there but never around. And Arthur hated it. Every part of him wanted to rush over and engulf him in a hug and break down and apologize for ever pushing him away but he couldn’t. He knew that deep inside his heart and it only served to enrage him further. </p><p>Arthur leaned back and sighed. It was well past midnight and his rooms were glowing with the low flames in the fire. He was just about to reach for another page of parchment when his doors burst open.</p><p>“Arthur!” Leon leaned against the door, panting. “You have to see this”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Arthur watched in horror as the creature prowled the lower town, wreathed in flames. It looked like a huge bird, whose black wings were tipped with red. Blood red. The bird swooped up and landed on the roof of one of the wooden homes. It then burst into flames, burning down the entire, thankfully empty, house. Arthur peered through the dark, trying to find it, but it seemed to have disappeared. </p><p>“What the hell? Where is it?”</p><p>Leon was at his side in an instant. “It’s a Phoenix, sire. A supernatural bird. It’s said to be able to teleport through flames and are incredibly strong. Our swords won’t do much.”</p><p>Arthur cursed under his breath. “Magic?”</p><p>“I’m guessing. I haven’t had time to consult Gaius about it. It’s setting the lower town on fire.”</p><p>There was a sudden scream and Arthur whipped his head down to watch another go up in flames and his knights usher out a terrified family. The phoenix had appeared on top of the broken home, it’s red eyes piercing in the light of the fire.</p><p>Arthur immediately grabbed at his sword. “If it’s a creature of magic then—”</p><p>He froze, glancing at the unfamiliar sword. Shit. He’d left Excalibur with Merlin. The only sword that could actually help. “No. No. Shit. Where’s Merlin?”</p><p>Leon looked up. “Merlin? I’m not sure.”</p><p>Arthur sucked in a breath. “He’s always around. Where the hell is he?”</p><p>“Sire—”</p><p>“Gather all the knights you can and try to get the citizens to safety,” Arthur said, keeping his voice low and he crouched down. “Get some cannons or something and try to keep the bird occupied. I know how to kill it. Give me a minute.”</p><p>Before Leon could respond, Arthur lunged up and burst into a sprint towards the castle. Just as he burst inside, he crashed into someone. “Shit. Sorry. Get inside. What— Merlin?”</p><p>Merlin blinked, startled. “A-Arthur. You’re okay. What—”</p><p>“Enough of that.” Arthur interrupted. “I need the sword. The-the one that can kill magical creatures. I need it.”</p><p>Merlin’s eyes darted to the courtyard and back to Arthur. “What? No. You can’t possibly—”</p><p>“I’m not asking you, Merlin. That’s an order. I need that sword. Where is it?”</p><p>“Don’t be stupid, Arthur. You can’t fight a phoenix with a fucking sword. Are you out of your mind?” Merlin snapped.</p><p>“You gave me that sword to protect me, right? That’s the only chance we have. Go get it. If you’re not out here in a minute, I will throw you to the phoenix and flay you alive.” Arthur snarled and pulled away, rushing back outside.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Merlin blinked and the door swung shut and Arthur raced back outside. Excalibur was tucked away in the room since he didn’t have the heart to give it back to Freya. If Arthur really thought he could use the sword against a magical bird he was out of his mind. No way in hell was Merlin letting Arthur get that close to it. Besides, as far as Merlin knew, phoenixes were immortal. So there was no stopping it. Not without magic. And conveniently, that was the one thing Merlin was actually good at.</p><p>Merlin burst into his chambers where Gauis was frantically flipping through his books. He jumped up to his room and pulled out Excalibur from beneath his bed. </p><p>“Easy, Merlin. Phoenixes are ruthless. They have a cause and they cannot be killed. Especially not with a sword, magical or not.”</p><p>“I know.” Merlin peeked over Gauis’s shoulder. “I’ll have to figure something out.”</p><p>“It’s not that simple, Merlin. You have to put it down for good. The Phoenix was most likely sent by someone.”</p><p>“Morgana. She gave Arthur that bracelet when he went on his quest to the Perilous Lands years ago. The eye of the phoenix drained his energy.”</p><p>Gauis nodded. “Precisely. You can reduce the bird to ashes. But sooner or later, it will rise again.”</p><p>Merlin looked at the picture in the magical book. With its teeth bared and fire roaring. “Well, then. When it rises again, it won’t be us who has to deal with it, yeah? Give Morgana a taste of her own medicine.”</p><p>Merlin winked and made his way to the door, only stopped by Gauis’s soft words. “Be careful. The Phoenix has a way of making everything around it go up in flames. You can’t get caught.”</p><p>Merlin gripped the door and looked back at Gaius. “Who me?”</p><p>And he was gone.</p><p> </p><p>Merlin crept outside. The once dark night was sparkling orange and red. The entire lower town was on fire and all of Arthur’s knights were trying to trap it in a circle, though it was useless as the bird kept disappearing behind the sparks. </p><p>“Merlin!”</p><p>Arthur rushed over to him and tackled him to the ground as the cart of goods beside them crumbled to ash. Arthur pulled them up and grabbed the sword in Merlin’s hand. “Took you long enough. Get inside.”</p><p>Merlin latched on to Arthur’s bicep before he could escape. “Don’t be stupid, Arthur. No matter what you do, the Phoenix will always rise from the ground. Be careful.”</p><p>Arthur’s breath hitched as he looked back at Merlin, his dark blue eyes sparkling in the low light. Merlin watched as Arthur swallowed, his throat bobbing the movement as he pulled out of Merlin’s grip. “Get inside, Merlin.”</p><p>Arthur ducked away and disappeared behind a row of carts.</p><p>Merlin slunk into the shadows and watched as Arthur joined his knights and readied his sword. He held his breath and watched the phoenix with sharp eyes. </p><p>“Hold. Hold.” Arthur’s voice echoed across the nearly empty streets. “Now!”</p><p>Arthur charged at the Phoenix and Merlin instantly forgot all the spells he’d seen in the magic book and turned to his instincts. Arthur slashed at the bird, whose flames sputtered under the wave of magic that washed over it. Arthur sliced and stumbled back as the bird engulfed itself in burning blazes. </p><p>The bird shuddered and seemed to crumble like a tower of sand to the ground. Arthur gasped out a breath, staring at the ashes with shock. Leon was there in an instant, pulling him back. “Careful. It’s said that Phoenix’s rise from their ashes.”</p><p>“Don’t worry. This is a special sword. I think it’s gone. That felt way too easy though.” Arthur muttered, eyeing the ashes as it got whipped up by the harsh wind.</p><p>Something in the back of his mind prickled as Merlin backed up into an alleyway, breathing heavily. It wasn’t over. He knew that. A sudden growl came from behind Merlin.</p><p>Whirling around, the phoenix was there, in all its bright glory, perched almost innocently at the end of the alley. It’s red eyes sparkled knowingly as it looked over Merlin. He shuddered. Something about the bird scared him more than any other creature has. Almost as if the bird knew about Merlin.</p><p>Merlin shot a quick glance over his shoulder to make sure he was alone and then turned back to the bird, lowering himself in an attempt to seem less intimidating. “Shhh. It’s okay.”</p><p>The bird fluttered closer to Merlin, almost curiously, but he knew better than to fall for the innocent demeanor of the bird. <em> Færblæd wawe </em></p><p>Instantly all the flames that surrounded the bird went out, engulfing them in darkness. With a thought, he ignited a flame in his palm, just bright enough to set the alleyway aglow. The phoenix tilted its head to the side, calm, for a fraction of a second before it attacked.</p><p>Merlin was barely able to duck in time as the Phoenix screeched and flew straight for him, leaving a trail of sparks in his wake. Merlin rolled, slamming into the wall and whispering a harsh spell to shove the bird to the ground, dousing its blaze. Merlin cursed. If no one had noticed that the phoenix was back before, they certainly did now. </p><p>Merlin quickly made sure no one was around and mumbled a spell under his breath, shooting a ball of pure fire towards the phoenix. It cut right through the bird, leaving a gaping hole in its chest. Merlin internally winced. He knew how that felt, courtesy of Nimueh. </p><p>“Merlin!” Arthur’s voice yelled and there were thudding footsteps as they clearly saw the fire. Of course, Merlin thought. Arthur tells him to leave him alone but he has to come running when Merlin is trying to kill the stupid beast with magic.</p><p>The phoenix roared, recovering far quicker than Merlin expected, and launched itself at Merlin, who scrambled down the alley to roll away from its path. </p><p>“Merlin!” Arthur suddenly appeared at the entrance of the alley, his face filled with pure horror. The phoenix's head snapped up at the new voice and hissed at the sight of Excalibur. </p><p>Merlin backed away. “Shit. What the hell are you doing, Arthur? Get out of here.”</p><p>Arthur’s face hardened as he adjusted his grip on his sword, backing away slightly. The phoenix huffed out a breath and followed the movement slowly. There was a second of tense silence. A moment that seemed to stretch into what felt like forever. But in reality, there was barely a fraction of a second before the phoenix attacked.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>When Arthur first saw the bright orange flames shoot up from the alleyway, he nearly had a heart attack. He’d seen Merlin back away into there and unfortunately, he was too preoccupied to yell at him to go inside. But the moment he heard the screech of the phoenix, Arthur broke into a run, ignoring Leon who was calling out for him.</p><p>He hated how scared he was when he saw Merlin backed up into the wall. He hated that a part of him would still break if Merlin had even a scratch on his skin. And he hated that even when the phoenix turned on him, there was a certain relief in knowing that Merlin was no longer cornered. </p><p>The world sped up and suddenly all he could see was smoke and fire and the looming fear of <em>holy shit he was about to die</em>. Arthur reached for Excalibur, but he knew in his heart that it was too late. </p><p>And then, the bird exploded. It was a miracle. Almost too good to be true. The way the phoenix shattered like a pinata and crumbled into ash before Arthur’s eyes. The entire world seemed to blur and melt at the seams and Arthur stumbled back, choking on his coughs as smoke filled his lungs and snatched the air away.</p><p>Arthur watched, part horrified and fascinated as the ashes before him swirled up and disappeared, sucking itself away into a vacuum as if it was never there, to begin with. Arthur risked a glance up and suddenly he felt like he’d gotten up too fast and he couldn’t keep up as the world kept spinning, spinning, <em> spinning. </em></p><p>Somewhere, he could hear Leon’s voice as the knights caught up and found them. Arthur vaguely wondered how they only caught up now. But he didn’t think about it long as his mind was too preoccupied with twisting and tumbling and fitting the pieces together all too easily because it made too much sense and—</p><p>“Arthur.” Leon gripped his arm, shocking him back into reality. “Are you alright?”</p><p>Arthur inhaled a breath and tore his gaze away, looking to Leon, whose eyes were filled with worry. Arthur heard himself reply but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what he said because everything was piling upon itself and all the betrayals and secrets and <em>lies. </em>But nothing, nothing could’ve prepared him for this. </p><p>But he blinked his tears away and rubbed at his eyes, the smoke still lingering in the air. Everything felt like it was underwater and the sounds around him were muffled by the blood roaring in his ears. Arthur was terrified to swim up and break the surface to face what awaited him because he knew exactly what was and that scared him more than anything. </p><p>And as he numbly walked away, gripping Leon like he was his life force, his mind was still stuck back to what felt like eons ago. That one moment. That fraction of a second between when the phoenix exploded and Arthur went blind. Once instant was all it took to shatter any piece of Arthur that was still left. </p><p>And when Arthur was back in his chambers, having no memory of helping around and making his way up he could only see one thing when his eyes fluttered shut. No matter how hard he tried to expel it from his mind. Arthur couldn’t unsee the way Merlin’s ocean eyes flooded gold. And the way it flooded through everything Arthur thought to be true along with it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> --0-o-0-- </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is my first attempt at writing any actual action scene (save for sword-fights) and I hope it made some sense.</p><p>I've always thought that Arthur would start to change his mind on magic before he finds out about Merlin. If anything, finding out about Merlin only serves Arthur to think that sorcerers are all liars. But he's changing and growing and let's hope (cross your fingers) that soon Merlin will do the same.</p><p>I think there's something really bittersweet in the thought that Arthur broke up with Merlin but still rushed over to save him, and it was that action that shattered everything. In my mind, he knows he did the right thing and I think that if Arthur hadn't seen, he would've fallen back into Merlin's arms sooner or later. But he did and well, now Merlin has to deal with the aftermath. Like usual.</p><p>Stay tuned for part two later this week!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. the fall</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“If you love me, if you believe that I am your king, then you will leave and never return. You will never use your magic on me, for me, or for Camelot ever again. </p><p>“No. Arthur, please–” Merlin stepped forward, nearly in tears.</p><p>“You said that you didn’t care about your destiny and that you only cared about me.” Arthur pushed down all the emotions rising in his chest. “Then I’m asking, pleading with you, prove it to me and leave. Or I—” Arthur broke off, tears clogging his throat.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin BCC</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>“Why are you doing this?”</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> “It’s my destiny. As it has been since the day we met.” </em>
  </p>
  <p>- Merlin and Arthur</p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>Merlin’s blood ran cold the moment Arthur’s eyes met his. He stumbled back, crashing to the wall, watching numbly as Leon guided Arthur away and asked him what happened.</p><p>Gwaine was rushing up to him. “Merls. Hey, are you alright?”</p><p>Merlin swallowed, trying not to think. “Yeah. Arthur killed it again. I don’t think it’s coming back.”</p><p>“Oh. Are you—”</p><p>Merlin waved Gwaine away. “I’m sorry. I-I have to go.”</p><p>He pushed Gwaine away and rushed down to help the people around. Most of the fires were out, but over a dozen homes were burnt to the ground, leaving many people with no place to stay for the night.</p><p>“Merlin!”</p><p>He turned around just in time to catch Gwen as she launched herself onto him. “Gwen. Oh my god. Are you alright? Is your home alright?”</p><p>Gwen pulled back, her face flushed. “Yeah. The side of it burned down. Jesus, it was terrifying. What happened to it?”</p><p>“Arthur killed it.”</p><p>Gwen blinked. “That was a phoenix, Merlin. I don’t think you can just kill it.”</p><p>“Gwen!” The two turned to see Lancelot rushing towards them. “Hey. You okay?”</p><p>Gwen turned, unconsciously curling into the knight. “Yeah. I might need a place to stay for the night, though. All of these people do.”</p><p>Lancelot wrapped his arms around her. “They’re setting up tents inside the citadel and clearing out some rooms in the castle. You-you could stay with me if you’d like.”</p><p>“In the knights’ quarters?”</p><p>“I have my own room.” Lancelot offered.</p><p>Gwen stared at him for a moment before cracking a smile. “Deal. I’m going to go help around, yeah?”</p><p>Gwen kissed Lancelot and pulled away, gripping Merlin’s bicep. “See you.”</p><p>Lancelot watched her go, a fond smile on her face. Merlin’s heart squeezed.</p><p>“What the hell was that, Merlin?”</p><p>Merlin winced, pressing his hand to his forehead. “Shit. He knows.”</p><p>“What?” Lancelot blinked, his eyebrows furrowed.</p><p>“Arthur. He knows.”</p><p>“Oh,” Lancelot said, wrinkling his nose. “Oh shit.”</p><p>Merlin rubbed his arms, backing away slightly. “Yeah, oh shit. Jesus, the look on his face. That’s it. I’m dead. He’s already pissed off at me and now—”</p><p>Lancelot sighed. “Come on, Merlin. There’s a lot of damage to fix.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“Look. I’m sorry. I mean, clearly, you didn’t want it to happen like this, but at least he saw you save him. He was bound to find out sooner or later. Maybe it’s for the best, yeah?” Lancelot patted his arm and went off to help a family nearby.</p><p>Merlin let out a shuddering breath. He was so dead.</p><p>“Hey, Merls!” Gwaine called out. “Can you help me for a sec?”</p><p>Merlin cracked his knuckles and forced his heart rate down. Looking around, Arthur was nowhere to be seen. Merlin could only be glad that no one else saw. Though of all people, of course, it had to be the fucking king.</p><p>“Merlin?”</p><p>His head shot up to look at Gwaine, whose gaze was worried.</p><p>Merlin cleared his throat. “Yeah, sorry. I’m coming.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Merlin rolled over, burying his face in his pillow. The sun was just peeking over the horizon and bathed the entire room in low light. He’s gone back to bed at around four in the morning and the castle was most probably getting a late start today.</p><p>Merlin had gotten no sleep whatsoever. His entire body was tense and he couldn’t help wonder when Arthur’s knights would break down his door. As the hours went by, Merlin wondered if he was hallucinating and Arthur didn’t actually see him. Merlin dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, groaning to himself.</p><p>“Merlin? It’s nearly noon. When are you planning on getting up?” Gauis knocked loudly and called through the door. “There’s a visitor here for you.”</p><p>Merlin jerked up. “Is it the guards?”</p><p>There was a silence before Gaius responded. “No. Get out here, Merlin.”</p><p>Merlin groaned and dragged himself from the bed, pulling on a clean shirt. He bounded down the steps to find that no one was there. “I have a visitor?”</p><p>Gauis looked up, raising an eyebrow. He reached over and grabbed the bag for the herbs and tossed it to Merlin. “Darkling woods. He’s waiting there.”</p><p>Merlin caught the bag, baffled. “Who?”</p><p>“Take a wild guess, Merlin. Why didn’t you tell me that you were caught? I thought I told you to be careful.”</p><p>Merlin winced, slinging the bag over his shoulders. “I—”</p><p>“Nevermind. Don’t keep him waiting. And don’t forget to get the herbs. I’m almost out of thyme and sage.” Gauis turned back to his work, ignoring Merlin.</p><p>He sighed and quickly left, making his way through the lower town to the woods. People were all around, helping to build back up the homes and structures that were destroyed by the phoenix.</p><p>Merlin moved through the streets and stepped into the woods. The sun was high in the sky and the birds were chirping. Merlin could’ve easily convinced himself that everything was fine. That he was here to have a romantic picnic with Arthur. Thinking back on it, that thought was almost laughable. He knew where to go. He didn’t rush, sliding through the trees and grabbing some herbs along the way, carefully filling up his bag.</p><p>When he broke through the last bushes to enter the clearing, it was empty. Merlin frowned and moved further inside. His heartbeat was so loud in his ears and he vaguely wondered if Arthur did this on purpose. If Arthur was giving him a chance to run away. </p><p>He trailed to the center of the clearing and collapsed onto the ground. Burying his face in his hands, he tried to take in slow breaths and calm his heart rate. Arthur was already pissed about all of his other lies so he had absolutely no idea how Arthur was going to react to this.</p><p>He pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes and tried to hold back the tears that threatened to overflow. Sighing, he raised his head and started back when his eyes met dark blue ones.</p><p>Arthur was sitting, legs crossed, a couple of feet away from him. His sword, Excalibur, was lying on the ground between them, and Arthur’s head was cupped in his palms, watching Merlin with some type of curiosity.</p><p>Merlin groaned, throwing a hand over his face. “Jesus Christ, Arthur. You scared me.”</p><p>Arthur simply raised an eyebrow, unusually calm. “Did I?”</p><p>They stared at each other for a while before Merlin jerked to the side and pulled his bag towards him and fished through it. It finally found the blue dandelions that he’d picked right at the entrance of the forest. He gathered the nearly crumbled flowers and thrust it towards Arthur, offering a weak smile.”</p><p>“Blue dandelions. They’re your favorite, right?”</p><p>Arthur blinked at the flowers, a blank look falling over his face. He reached over and grabbed them, turning them in his hand. “Thank you.”</p><p>Merlin curled his lip up slightly, surprised that Arthur had actually accepted them. He tucked the flowers into his belt and stood up, offering a hand to Merlin. Merlin blinked, staring up at Arthur. Of all the ways he expected Arthur to react—yelling, screaming, crying, fighting, cutting his head off— this was <em> not </em>one of them. Merlin carefully reached up and let Arthur drag him to his feet.</p><p>It was only when Arthur bent down and grabbed his sword did Merlin realize how foolish he was. Of course, Arthur wouldn’t do this in public. He had to get Merlin alone. Merlin took in a shaky breath and forced himself to not back away.</p><p>Arthur flipped the sword in his grip and looked up at Merlin, his face deadly serious. “I forgot another sword. You can defend yourself, yeah?”</p><p>Before Merlin could register what he meant, Arthur swung his sword. Merlin dropped to the ground, cursing. Could Arthur never just deal with problems the right way? Arthur lunged again and Merlin staggered back barely missing the blow. With a start, Merlin realized that Arthur wasn’t holding back. He always held back against Merlin. No matter they were simply training or Arthur was pissed off at him. He always held back. But he wasn’t now. </p><p>Merlin moved back, slamming his back against a tree. “Shit, Arthur. What are you–”</p><p>Arthur pounced and Merlin dove to the side, watching with horror and Arthur sliced right through the bark of the tree, toppling it with one hard swing. Merlin scrambled to his feet and backed up.</p><p>Arthur whirled around and stalked forward. “I said, defend yourself!”</p><p>He slashed forward and sliced Merlin’s sleeve clean off, cutting through his skin. Merlin carefully reached to cup the wound, shocked when his hands came away bloody. “Arthur, wait—just let me—”</p><p>But he didn’t wait for Merlin to recover and forced him to dive to the side, his arm stinging with the movement. Arthur pushed forward and Merlin nearly twisted his ankle trying to get away, slicing off the skin on his calf in the process.</p><p>Merlin gave a shuddering breath. This could not be happening. “Arthur please—”</p><p>He leaped towards Merlin yet again and backed him up to the other side of the clearing, not at all bothered by the stuttering apologies and pleading cries that tumbled from Merlin’s lips as he pushed him into the tree.</p><p>“I’m not going to repeat myself.”</p><p>And he swung, and it was too late for Merlin to duck and the sword was glinting in the sunlight—with Merlin’s red blood smeared across the blade— and coming towards him all too fast and Arthur’s eyes were dark and shining and Merlin brought up his hands and—</p><p>Arthur flew across the clearing, slamming into the ground with a thud. Merlin gasped out, collapsing against the tree. Arthur looked up just in time to see the gold fade from Merlin’s eyes.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Arthur dropped his head against the grass, breathing heavily. Part of Arthur was relieved. When Merlin hadn’t first defended himself, Arthur began to wonder if the gold was just a trick of the light. If Arthur was going to nearly kill Merlin because he’d seen something that wasn’t actually there.</p><p>But it was there. And there was proof in the way Arthur’s side ached from being thrown across the clearing. Proof in the gold that melted from Merlin’s eyes.</p><p>Merlin slunk to the ground and dropped his head in his hands. After a moment, it seemed to dawn on him what exactly he’d done and he jerked to his feet. “Oh my god, Arthur. Shit, are you okay?”</p><p>Arthur swallowed roughly glancing down. He shut his eyes, leaning back. He could still see the way Merlin’s hands jerked up and his eyes went molten and how the world flew past him, crashing him into the ground.</p><p>Merlin’s hands dropped on his shoulder. “Arthur—”</p><p>He jerked away from the touch, scrambled up and away. Arthur grabbed Excalibur as he stumbled back. “No. Don’t. Don’t—”</p><p>Arthur cursed, whirling around. He dropped his hand to his belt and looked down to see the flowers that were tucked within.  He didn't know where the urge had come to accept the flowers from the man but looking at the crumbled dandelions hanging limply over the side, Arthur felt angry. Angry at Merlin. Angry at himself.</p><p>It was one thing to not realize that Merlin knew about Morgana. It was one thing to never know that Morgouse was telling the truth. But this? Merlin, who Arthur had let into his life, his bed, his heart, hiding something so, so significant and yet Arthur had no clue. And while Arthur was on his way to repeal the ban, that by no means meant he was comfortable with magic. That didn’t mean he wanted the man he was in love with to have magic. </p><p>He never wanted magic to be so close to him. Not after everything he’d gone through. Not after years of being terrified.</p><p>“Arthur. I’m so sorry. I-I panicked and you were so close and you told me to defend myself and it was just instinctual—”</p><p>“Instinctual? Magic isn’t instinctual.”</p><p>Merlin pressed his lips together. “I’m afraid you don’t really know anything about magic.”</p><p>“It seems I don’t know anything about you either,” Arthur muttered, turning around. He wasn’t going to let a sorcerer behind his back. Though it was probably too late now.</p><p>Arthur glanced at Merlin’s arm, where the skin had ripped. His calf was bleeding as well, staining his boots. “Heal it.”</p><p>Merlin blinked. “What?”</p><p>Arthur vaguely gestured towards Merlin’s arm. “Your wounds. Heal them. Unless you’re a completely useless sorcerer as well.”</p><p>A sudden flash of anger washed over Merlin’s face. “Oh, I’m sorry. Who gave me these wounds in the first place.”</p><p>Arthur scoffed rolling eyes. “Don’t even. A few scrapes on your skin is nothing compared to you stabbing me in the back.”</p><p>“I didn’t stab you in the back!”</p><p>“Right. You missed and got my heart instead, yeah?” Arthur snapped, bitterness seeping into his voice.</p><p>Merlin sucked in a breath and looked away. Arthur took a step forward. “Heal yourself.”</p><p>Merlin hesitated and then reached up with his free hand to cover the wound. He whispered a spell under his breath and Arthur watched, entranced, as the skin sowed itself back up, leaving nothing but a shiny white scar in its place. He did the same to his calf.</p><p>Merlin’s face was hard and tense. There was an underlying fear in his eyes but it was buried so deep Arthur barely saw it. Arthur swallowed roughly. In all the years he’d known Merlin, he’d never seen such a serious look on his face. Such a blank look. Through all their quests, and missions, and near-death experiences. Never. It made Arthur vaguely wonder if it was all a lie. If this stranger before him was the real Merlin. And the person Arthur had fallen for, was nothing but an illusion. Fake.</p><p>He had no idea what to say. He’d called Merlin out here half-hoping that he would drop the illusion and become the stereotypical evil sorcerer so that Arthur would have no problem killing him. But he couldn't. Because Arthur did try to kill him. And Merlin pushed back. And then apologized. Apologized for defending himself after Arthur had told him too.</p><p>Merlin took a step forward and Arthur followed, moving back.</p><p>“Arthur. Listen to me. You know me. I’m loyal to you. I swore to myself the first day I met you that I would stay here and protect you until the day I die. It’s my destiny to make you the greatest king that Camelot has ever known.”</p><p>“It’s your destiny.” Arthur internally cursed as his voice trembled. “It was your destiny to protect me? That’s it? That’s why you stuck around. That's why you killed the phoenix and god knows how many other threats. You did because of destiny? What destiny?”Arthur’s voice was soft but filled with underlying anger.</p><p>Merlin’s throat bobbed nervously. “Kilgharrah told me my first day in Camelot. That I had this great future and that it was with you.”</p><p>“Kilgharrah. Your dragon. Another accomplishment that I took credit for when it was really all you. You hated me the first day I met you. I hated you. I always wondered why you saved my life that day. Why you drank poison for me just a few months after knowing each other. Here I was thinking you actually saw someone worth saving. But that was the dragon.”</p><p>“What? No.” Merlin tripped over his words. “I mean, that first time yeah, I did hate you. But I didn’t do it because of the dragon. I mean, I did, but it was just that one time. As I got to know you and I fell in love with you I realized that you were someone worth saving.”</p><p>Arthur huffed out a breath. “Was I? Am I? Because the way this is going, I don’t think I did anything worthy. It was all you, was it? It was you who made the Great Dragon go away, it was you who healed Camelot when we were suffering from illness, it was you who defeated the immortal armies and the magical creatures, and basically everything I thought made me a good warrior. A good king.”</p><p>Merlin shook his head. “No—”</p><p>“No?” Arthur snapped. “Then tell me. Is there anything that I actually accomplished with no help from you? No help whatsoever. Nothing.”</p><p>Merlin opened his mouth and froze. After five heartbeats, Arthur scoffed. “Right. There’s nothing that you can think of. What do you want, Merlin? Is this some extravagant plan to be king? Is that what you want? Power? Of course, why wouldn’t you? You’re a fucking sorcerer.”</p><p>“No.” Merlin moved forward. “You can say whatever shit you want about me but you can’t say that I wanted power. I never wanted that. I’ve only done everything I could so that you could be king.”</p><p>“That’s bullshit.” Arthur snarled. “Do you hear yourself? It doesn’t matter if you wanted power or not, Merlin. You have it. You have power over all of Camelot whether you like it or not. And don’t think I’m just talking about magic here.”</p><p>“Then what are you talking about? What power do I have?”</p><p>“You have power over me. For years, you made me trust you, fall in love with you, fall into bed with you. Jesus Christ, Merlin. You know everything about me. You’re always around me and giving me advice and telling me what to do and there are times when you don’t tell me what to do because you find it in yourself to go off and do your own thing.”</p><p>“Protecting you is not the same thing as having power over you. I follow because I believe in you—”</p><p>“No, Merlin. You follow me because a stupid dragon told you to. Everything else has been a lie. My entire life has been a lie and you’re right in the middle of it.”</p><p>“My loyalty is not a lie. My love is not a lie.” Merlin growled out.</p><p>“Then why didn’t you tell me?” Arthur asked, the anger draining from his voice. “If you loved me so much, if you really and truly believed in me, then why the hell didn’t you tell me?”</p><p>“Because of this Arthur. I didn’t think you were ready–”</p><p>“And who the hell are you to say that?” Arthur yelled. “What did I think I was going to do if I found out?”</p><p>“Oh, I don’t know, Arthur. Kill me? Like you just tried to do?”</p><p>“I wasn’t trying to kill you, Merlin. I was trying to get you to defend yourself.” Arthur said, his voice low and hard.</p><p>“Were you? And what if I didn’t? What if I let you cut right through me, huh? Would you have been able to stop yourself?”</p><p>“Of course I would. Is that what you really think of me? You think so much of a monster that I would kill the man I love?” Arthur demanded.</p><p>Merlin looked away. “Stop saying that.”</p><p>Arthur stalked forward. “Saying what? That I’m in love with you? That I would do anything and everything for you if you would ask me. Why? Does that make you feel guilty because you know that my love isn’t returned?”</p><p>“Don’t talk to me about my love for you. You have no idea the shit I’ve gone through for you. I lost my best friend to you. My girlfriend, my fucking father. You really think that I would stick around this long after losing nearly everyone I’ve ever loved because of some stupid destiny?” Merlin challenged.</p><p>“It was my fault that you lost your father? That’s some bullshit Merlin because as far as I know, It wasn’t me who released the dragon in the first place. It wasn’t me who was the cause of all those innocent lives.” Arthur snarled.</p><p>“Don’t talk as if you haven’t murdered innocent lives. You have no idea how many of my people you killed because you foolishly thought they were a threat to you. You murdered so many of <em> my </em> people—”</p><p>“Have I? Then what the hell are you still doing here? By all means, Merlin, go. Go to your people and save them from the monster that I am. You’ve been here for ten years, Merlin. Are you that useless that you couldn’t save your own people when your the servant the the fucking king who killed them?” Arthur retorted.</p><p>“I’m not saying I haven’t made mistakes. Don’t put all of the lives you’ve murdered on me, okay? If you want to do that, it was your birth that caused all of this in the first place. It was your birth that even started the Great Purge so really, it’s all your fault.” Merlin snapped before he realized what he was saying.</p><p>Arthur stumbled back. “Excuse me?”</p><p>Merlin backpedaled. “Shit. I mean, no.” Merlin groaned, thumping a fist into his head. “Forget it. We’ve made mistakes, alright? I’m sorry that I never told you. But you have to understand why.”</p><p>“That’s just the thing, Merlin. I don’t. I really don’t understand. Maybe I can understand why before I became king. But you had no reason not to tell me after. After I got the crown. After I fell in love with you. Did you truly think that I would actually kill you?” Arthur asked, his voice breaking.</p><p>Merlin breathed out heavily. “I—it’s my entire life, Arthur. Even if you didn’t kill me, you probably would’ve banished me or something and I have to be here. I have to protect you.”</p><p>“Because it’s your destiny.”</p><p>“No. Because I see the king that you will be. The worthy king that you are destined to be. I see it. Not because a dragon told me but because I believe it.”</p><p>“If you truly believe that I would be a worthy king, then why didn’t you tell me?” Arthur asked, taking another step forward.</p><p>“Well, you’re not there yet—”</p><p>“I’m not? Tell me, Merlin. What do I have to do to convince you that I’m ready, hmm? Would you be convinced if I repealed the laws? If I made magic legal?”</p><p>Merlin stared, shocked. “You’re going to repeal the laws?”</p><p>“You don’t believe that I would?” Arthur took in a breath, suddenly so, so tired. “I don’t understand, Merlin. Did you think that I would never repeal the laws? That you would have to come up to me and feed me your innocent pieces of advice and pull strings behind my back and <em> enchant </em> me to do what’s right?”</p><p>“I would never enchant you,” Merlin said, his voice sharp.</p><p>Arthur let out a loud snort. “Really? You mean to tell me that you’ve never, never used your magic on me to help you in some way? You’ve never taken advantage of the fact that I’m the king and I’m right here at your disposal. Never?”</p><p>Merlin protested. “No. I wouldn’t—” He cut himself off abruptly, a strange look passing over his face.</p><p>Arthur chuckled bitterly, something cold swelling in his chest. He didn’t believe that Merlin would do that. He was only trying to rile Merlin up but looking at the almost terrified expression on Merlin’s face, he realized how wrong he was.</p><p>“You have. You’ve used magic on me.”</p><p>“Most of it was just stupid pranks, alright. I never—”</p><p>“Oh. So nothing serious?” Arthur asked, internally pleading to Merlin to say no.  For Merlin to say that he would never take advantage like that. But the moment never came.</p><p>“I-It was just once.” Merlin stuttered, looking away. “I probably shouldn’t have done it but I panicked and I had to do something—”</p><p>“Cut the crap, Merlin. What did you do?” Arthur held his breath, awaiting Merlin’s response.</p><p>Merlin swallowed, looking like he wanted to just teleport out of there. “Um, it was during the last time Morgana tried to take over Camelot. You were injured and you had found out about Agravaine and you wanted to go back out and fight.”</p><p>Arthur didn’t dare breathe, something unfamiliar curling in his chest.</p><p>“You refused to leave and I had to get you to safety. So I might have put a small spell on you that lowered your ability to fight back.” Merlin’s words were hesitant like he was desperately trying to word it in a way that didn’t anger Arthur. But it was all too clear what Merlin meant.</p><p>“You took away my will. You made me the simpleton.”</p><p>“It was only once.” Merlin rushed to explain. “I panicked and I was only trying to protect you—”</p><p>“Yeah, because that’s the excuse you have for everything, yeah? You were trying to protect me or I wasn’t ready yet or some other bullshit you expect me to believe.” Arthur's voice steadily grew louder.</p><p>“Arthur—”</p><p>“You contradict yourself with every sentence. You tell me that I’m a worthy king but you do everything for me, you tell me that I have this great destiny but you’re surprised when I tell you that I might repeal the laws, and you tell me that you believe in me and that you would follow me anywhere but when one thing doesn’t go your way, your solution is to enchant me and make me go without my fucking will?”</p><p>“It’s not like that. All I did was I guided you to the woods, away from the fight so we could regroup and heal. I didn’t do anything else.”</p><p>“That’s not the point, Merlin. You took away my will. You could’ve made me too anything for you. You could’ve toppled the entire kingdom. I’m the king, Merlin. You cannot go and enchant me like that.” Arthur growled.</p><p>“I—”</p><p>“How much else of it was a lie, hmm? All that trust you have for me, all that <em> love— </em>”</p><p>“My love for you was never a lie.” Merlin snapped.</p><p>“And why the hell should I believe you? For all I know, this whole thing could be a stupid enchantment you did so that you could gain my trust and steal my crown.”</p><p>“I don’t want your fucking crown—”</p><p>“No. You just want the power behind it. I don’t know if you even realize how much you affect me. How many decisions are made based on what you tell me and what you believe that I should do. Don’t kid yourself, Merlin. I’m no king. You are.”</p><p>“That is not true—”</p><p>Arthur stormed forward. “Fine, then. Do you want to prove it to me? Do you want me to believe that you trust me and that you follow me and that you love me?”</p><p>“Please,” Merlin said. “I’ll prove it.”</p><p>“Then go. Go to Ealdor or some other kingdom. Maybe a kingdom that actually accepts magic because I don’t know how stupid you could’ve been to come here in the first place. Go. I never want to see you again.”</p><p>Merlin stared. “What? No. I can’t leave, Arthur. I belong here. I have to protect you—”</p><p>“If you love me, if you believe that I am your king, then you will leave and never return. You will never use your magic on me, for me, or for Camelot ever again. </p><p>“No. Arthur, please–” Merlin stepped forward, nearly in tears.</p><p>“You said that you didn’t care about your destiny and that you only cared about me.” Arthur pushed down all the emotions rising in his chest. “Then I’m asking, pleading with you, prove it to me and leave. Or I—” Arthur broke off, tears clogging his throat. He forced himself to go on. “Or I- I don't know what I would do.”</p><p>Merlin furiously wiped the tears that waterfalled down his face. “Arthur. You don’t have to do this. You know me. You know you do. This isn’t fake. This could never be fake.”</p><p>“It doesn’t have to be fake for it to not be real,” Arthur whispered.</p><p>“Look, destiny can be damned. I don’t give a fuck. I need you.”</p><p>“I don’t need your protection, Merlin. I never asked for it. I never wanted it.” Arthur said, his voice harsh.</p><p>“You didn’t have to. I protect you because I love you. And I know that in my heart you will be the greatest king known to man. Anything that I’ve ever done, whether it was right or not, it was all for you. Only for you. That’s why I have my magic. That’s my only purpose. You’re my only purpose.” Merlin’s voice was soft. “You can hate me and sack me and never talk to me again. But please, don’t make me leave. I’ll stay out of your way. But I won’t let the innocent people of Camelot die because I wasn’t there to stop it. I’ve failed at it enough. The one thing I’ve ever done right was keeping you alive.”</p><p>Arthur let out a breath, pushing the heels of his palms into his eyes. “Merlin—”</p><p>“Please.” Merlin pleaded softly. “I’ve failed at everything else. I’ve failed at keeping my own people safe, at keeping so many other innocents safe because I was too cowardly to do anything else. I’ve failed at being a good son and at being a good friend. I’ve lied to everyone that I’ve ever known in my entire life. I’ve failed at being a good person. I very nearly killed a child because Kilgharrah told me that he was going to kill you in the future. A mere child. And I nearly killed him to keep you safe. And I’m not saying that that was the right decision or the most moral decision because honestly, I’ve failed at discerning right and wrong too.”</p><p>Merlin took in a shuddering breath and plowed on. “I’ve failed at being a good person to you. I’ve lied to you more than anyone else and you deserve it the least. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry because I’ve failed at trusting you and making you feel loved. And I don’t deserve you. I don’t. But if there’s one thing that I did right, it was saving your life the first day we met. Whether I did it for destiny or if it was just instinctual, I don't know. But I saved your life. And continued saving it. And that’s one thing that I will never, <em> never </em> regret.”</p><p>Arthur didn’t notice when he started crying. Merlin’s soft, broken words pierced right through him.</p><p>“Maybe I can’t prove it. Maybe I never will. But I won’t go. You can’t make me. I belong here, at your side. That’s why I was born. To guide you. And now, you're such a great person, a great king. And I truly don’t know if it was me or if you did it on your own but I am so proud of you. Even if my pride doesn’t mean anything to you.”</p><p>Arthur turned around, pressing his face into his hands. He could barely take in a steady breath with the way his heartbeat pounded with Merlin’s words. Merlin’s ever so sweet words that just ached for Arthur to accept.</p><p>“How did you defeat the phoenix?” Arthur blurted out, trying to keep his emotions at bay.</p><p>Merlin was silent for a moment, probably startled by the sudden and unrelated question. “I killed it.”</p><p>“I know that, dumbass. I thought that phoenixes rise from their ashes. But it never came back.”</p><p>“I took the ashes. I realized that Morgana most probably sent it so I gathered the ashes and sent them to her. So now she has to deal with the aftermath. It’s a simple teleportation spell. I didn’t really have time to do much else.” Merlin said, his voice trembling.</p><p>Arthur’s hand dropped to his belt, where Merlin’s blue dandelions hung limply. Arthur wrapped his fingers around the stems and pulled it out. “I won’t pretend to know what it’s like for you to be a sorcerer in Camelot. To do all that you’ve done. I’m sorry if I ever gave the impression that I would hurt you. I know that when I’m angry, I tend to get more physical. And I hurt you. It’s never my intention to cause you harm. But it seems that's all I do.”</p><p>“It’s not your fault.”</p><p>“Yeah, it is. You know that. After all, it was me who was responsible for the death of your girlfriend, and your father and your—” Arthur cut himself off, turning around. “Your best friend. Who confessed to being a sorcerer on his deathbed.”</p><p>Merlin’s face was pale and it only confirmed Arthur’s thoughts.</p><p>“Will was never a sorcerer. Was he?”</p><p>Merlin shook his head, looking away.</p><p>“Oh. You were lying to me even then.” Arthur said, shocked.</p><p>Merlin rubbed his cheek. “You know why. Do you remember what you said after you found out about how Will and I… you know.”</p><p>Arthur furrowed his eyebrows. “What?”</p><p>“You said it was dangerous to be so intimate with a sorcerer.” Merlin’s voice was hesitant but firm. </p><p>Arthur met his shining eyes. “I did say that. I was ignorant. I was foolishly following my father and I don’t regret anything more.”</p><p>“You weren’t wrong,” Merlin muttered. “At least, in your case. I am dangerous. And clearly, this didn’t have a good outcome.”</p><p>“You’re a lot of things, Merlin. But you’re not dangerous. Not to me. I’m sorry about that. I just wish that you had trusted me. But I understand.” Arthur looked down, falling silent.</p><p>Merlin took a tentative step forward, flinching when Arthur stepped back. “I was being serious. Before. I’m not leaving you. You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not.”</p><p>A bitter smile curled at Arthur’s lips. “I know. I can’t make you leave, clearly. I’m going to repeal the ban. I was before I knew about you. I’m still angry. I’m still so, so angry. But let me tell you one thing. You’re not a failure. You’ve made mistakes just like the rest of us. Some of them have cost lives. But at the end of the day, you’ve saved me and Camelot more times than I can probably count. You’ve saved thousands of lives, or at least gave them a bit more time on this earth.”</p><p>Merlin closed his eyes. “Arthur—”</p><p>“I’m still in love with you. I have been since the day we met. And I know that there’s a part of me that always will be. But, let’s be honest. I think we’re better off as just the king and a citizen. I can’t be friends with you. I can’t tell you the things that I used to. I have a duty as the king. And I want to do that on my own. I have my council and I have advisors. But I want to have my own accomplishments. Not achievements that I just took credit for— don’t argue with me on this. I’m still young. I’ve only been king for a couple of years and I have so much more to do.”</p><p>Arthur carefully moved forward and pressed the flowers into Merlin’s hand. “You have to let me be. Once the magic is legal, I’ll obviously find magical advisors and such to help me. But for now, I have my knights. And if there is a magical threat, by all means, take care of it. But once things are more moved along, I would appreciate it if you stayed out of it.”</p><p>Merlin looked down at their intertwined hands. “I depend on you so much. And I need to learn to do things myself. Thank you. For everything. The good and the bad. You made me the king that I am. You’ve helped me so much. And now I’m asking you, as your friend, let me go and I’ll let you go. Please.”</p><p>Merlin gripped Arthur’s hands as if it was his literal life force. “You want me to stop protecting you? Stop loving you?”</p><p>“You don’t have to stop loving me. God knows I probably will never stop loving you. But there’s a line, Merlin. And I can’t do this. As much as I want to hug you and kiss you and hold you close and never let you go, I can’t. I know that you know that. Don’t make this any harder than it has to be. Stay in Camelot. Work for Gauis. Just lay low. Just leave me be. And maybe I’ll be the king I’m destined to be. You already got me halfway there. Let me go the rest of the way on my own.” Arthur said and let go of Merlin’s hands, the dandelions slipping from Merlin’s grip and fluttering to the floor.</p><p>Merlin looked up and met Arthur’s eyes. He didn’t say anything, but his expression said enough. </p><p>Before Arthur could consider the terrible decision he was about to make, he swayed forward and kissed Merlin. The first they’ve had in weeks. It was clumsy and just a simple press of skin against skin. But it set Arthur alight. He memorized the way Merlin’s breath hitched and his eyelashes fluttered against his impossibly pale cheekbones.</p><p>For a moment, just a fraction of a second, he let himself believe that it was okay. That Merlin had never lied and was nothing but a clumsy peasant boy who had unknowingly wandered into his heart one sunny day and decided to stay.</p><p>Arthur pulled away, hating the fact that it wasn’t real. He hoped that in some marvelous world, things were as simple as that. But Arthur was in this world and he stepped back. Merlin didn’t open his eyes.</p><p>Arthur wiped away his tears and backed up, nearly tripping on Merlin’s discarded bag. He stared back at Merlin, praying to all the gods that he was making the right decision. And he left. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Merlin didn’t open his eyes as he collapsed to the ground, hearing Arthur walk away. He let out a shuddered breath and curled in on himself. The clearing had gone dead silent as if even the birds were shocked at witnessing the breaking of one coin. Maybe they were two sides of different coins who had tried their hardest to fit together. Of course, Merlin had to go and ruin it all. Like he always did.</p><p>Merlin opened his eyes and stared at the crumpled blue dandelions. He smoothed them out carefully and clenched his hand.</p><p>
  <em> You already got me halfway there. Let me go the rest of the way on my own. </em>
</p><p>Merlin knew that it was fair. Arthur didn’t feel worthy. He just wanted to prove himself. The past few weeks itself had been torture but he knew it wasn’t forever. But this felt final. Like it was the ending. Maybe it was. The ending of two beautiful people who came from two separate spools, yet intertwined together anyway, hoping that could fit.</p><p>Destiny, Merlin thought, was a funny thing. Maybe he’d already completed it. And that saddened him more than anything. Merlin stood up and grabbed his bag, leaving the flowers on the floor.</p><p>Merlin adjusted the strap of his bag and furiously wiped his tears. He took a stumbled step forward and then crashed to the ground, his knees slamming into the hard ground. He couldn’t help but think back to when they had just gotten together and everything was still innocent and pure. Back when Arthur trusted him and they would stay up late in front of the roaring fire and fall asleep, cradled in each other's arms. His lips tingled from the soft kiss Arthur had given him but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. He gasped out and buried his head in his hands, trying to calm his breaths. But there wasn’t enough air around him and it was like Merlin was reaching for something that was never really there. But Merlin would be damned if he stopped trying.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Merlin tripped slightly, his entire body feeling woozy as he entered the citadel, a bag full of herbs slung over his shoulder. He carefully made his way to the physician's chambers, making sure to avoid people he knew. When he entered, he was startled to find Arthur there, sitting on the med bed while Gauis wrapped a bandage over his knuckles.</p><p>“Merlin. It took you long enough. Spread out the herbs. We have some burn patients from this morning coming in for a reapplication of the gel.” Gaius carefully tied off the bandage and patted Arthur’s knuckles. “There you go. Do be careful what you punch to release your anger, my lord. Might I suggest a pillow?”</p><p>Arthur rolled his eyes. “Thanks, Gaius.”</p><p>He bid him goodbye and made his way over to the door. Arthur paused and looked back at Merlin, whose gaze hadn’t left his.</p><p>Arthur opened his mouth to say something and then reconsidered snapping it shut. Merlin swallowed and gathered up all the courage he’d found while wandering aimlessly in the woods.</p><p>Pressing his lips together, he gave a slight nod, hoping that Arthur understood his acceptance.</p><p>Cleary he did as his lips curled up the slightest bit, though his eyes were filled with conflicting emotions. Arthur jerked his head in a small returning nod.</p><p>There was silence between them. A silence filled with years of laughter and kisses and stolen hugs. A silence filled with victories and defeated threats and success speeches that Merlin most probably wrote because Arthur can’t for the life of him write a good speech. A silence filled with lies and mistrust and the aching feeling that it just wasn’t right. </p><p>Arthur turned away and left, the door shutting softly behind him. Merlin released the breath he had been holding. Maybe it was time to just accept that and move on. And so Merlin took one last look at the door and then pushed it all away.</p><p>
  <em> Just let me go. </em>
</p><p>And for once in his life, Merlin listened.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> --0-o-0-- </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm so sorry (not really but—). I know I said happy ending so this isn't over yet. My goal is that when everything does become happy, they truly understand each other and so not the rush it this is more of just an acceptance between the two of them. Because you know, that's what Arthur does best, yeah? He avoids all of his problems. Don't kill me; this is by no means the end. Just be patient, their happy ending's coming.</p><p>note: when you plan on making it just 3k and you spew out this 7k angsty mess of a chapter with these two beautiful idiots</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>